Muma’s Restaurant Nightmare

Today is the first time in a long time that I have had to bite my lip to stop myself from crying in public. This used to happen a lot in the early days, and mostly because we were making Rookie mistakes like attempting to go clothes shopping with a baby in tow. Or supermarket shopping with an 18 month old hooligan. I have since discovered shopping on line is the only way to remain clothed, and fed.
You adapt.



A while ago I began a quest to seek out the most child friendly eateries around where we live, East Sussex. I have now become a fully fledged food reviewer (dream gig for me… Nom Nom Nom!) So far we have been to Uber-kid friendly territory, easing ourselves in gently if you will.
Today we had what I thought would be a real treat of a review: one of the best restaurants in Brighton (and one I’ve been dying to try but can never justify the huge price tag) wanted us to come and review their Sunday lunch menu, with a true family slant.
Careful what you wish for: Family slant is exactly what they got.

How can I put this; we were the Ying to their Yang.

The restaurant wasn’t just classy, it was classy with a touch of Mega Chic. By contrast our 2 year old ToddlerMonster was living up to her namesake, whilst our fiveanger was exactly that. I naively assumed that the girls would be as excited as I was to try 35 day dry-aged roast sirloin of beef. They were not. Not remotely.
The food and service were top notch, seriously outstanding, unfortunately today was the day that our children decided to turn up the notch on Demon Mode.
Lila, (The ToddlerMonster) would not be consoled. A machine-like-whinge had been especially programmed in and it would not be stopped for anyone. Oh, hang on, it did stop to watch her beloved YouTube as our last ditch attempt to save the other diners ears and tempers. She likes to watch this American family who film themselves going about their daily business: Today she was watching them in a traffic Jam. I’m not kidding.
Darcie sat with her fingers in the ketchup, stuffing some chips down whilst Dan and I tried to make conversation over how to write up the ribs, We don’t know many ponsey foodie words so it went something like this:
“Mmmm it just falls off of the bone, Darcie please put your legs down, cor what a marinade, sweet, sticky DELICIOUS. Darcie please take that napkin off of your head…ohh don’t eat it all, oh shit we haven’t taken a photo of the dish…Lila don’t spit your water over the table. Darcie could you get down from the windowsill NOW”


Yey, It was dreamy. I could feel my stress levels rising as the restaurant filled up with lots of people adulating, all set for a swanky splash the cash Sunday lunch.
The waitress staff were on the level, They were lovely! In fact I wanted to ask them to join us. The 1:1 ratio needed bumping up a bit.
The main event arrived and I have to say it looked incredible. The kids were delighted to see enough gravy to sink a battleship, the largest, thickest cut of beef with the biggest roast potatoes I have ever laid eyes on. It came as one big Sunday roast sharing platter which is a really lovely idea. The girls were finally quieting down. I had a glass of Melbec.

And breathe.
Until this:
“Maaaaaaa I done a weeeeeeee. I done a weeeeeee I done a weeeeeee”
Toddlermonster had indeed ‘done a wee’. Her nappy had clearly hit capacity but as I had been so busy farting around trying to get some decent food shots, I had failed to notice.
The wee was spilling off the highchair and splashing onto the floor tiles below.

A sort of waterfall effect.
Oh dear god.
Our daughter was peeing on the floor, we had to let her finish. I would have been horrified if this had happened in McDonalds, let alone this Uber-Chic haunt.
I’m not sure who was more mortified, Lila or I. The oversized napkins came in handy as I wrapped it around her waist to make the trek through the length of the restaurant slightly less conspicuous!
The waitress deserved a gold medal (or the huge tip we left), by the time we arrived back at the table it had all been cleaned up. Good as new!
By this point the girls were past the point of being reasoned with. I bribed them with a chocolate lolly each to buy Dan and I a few minutes to throw this decadent roast lunch down our necks. I have to say, it really was the king of roast lunches.
The straw that broke the camels back, or should I say, the point where the prickly eye cry feeling crept up on me wasn’t the peepee incident. It was when Dan made a dash for the loo before we left. That was it, as soon as dear daddy was out of sight ToddlerMonster kicked off BIG TIME. She went shitcrazy bonkers. Right in the middle of the restaurant, screeching,“My Daddy, my Daddy”, at the top of her voice in between deafening sobs.
She had been working up to this very moment, and the girl let rip.
The dead weight back arch was in play. No amount of consoling or begging was going to stop her. Everyone was looking up from their fortune lunch plates. I had to carry her out to the street, leaving our bags behind, like she was a hot sheet of screeching metal.
I have no idea if we shall ever be asked to review somewhere ever again.
For now, I’m not sure I really care.

If you have a disaster dining story, please share. I really think I would take comfort in your nightmares right now!!

Life Love and Dirty Dishes
3 Little Buttons
Rhyming with Wine
Pink Pear Bear
My Petit Canard

Mummascribbles

From Tum To Mum

Posted by

I am a Muma to 2 little girls, aged 5 & 2. We are seaside dwellers, and I 'only work inside the house' according to my eldest. I love to share the funny side of parenting as well as boldly going where no right minded parents of toddlers would go: to restaurants. Seeking out the most child friendly joints and passing on my findings to all of you to enjoy! I'm basically blogging my way back to sanity!

46 thoughts on “Muma’s Restaurant Nightmare

  1. I felt every single moment of your pain, with a cold sweat starting to prickle. It is just the bloody pits. Finally you believe they are nearly big enough; we can rejoin humanity again; we can go out for meals as a family…and they turn it on. I have never had the waterfall to date, but certain it will be in my future soon as I head in to toilet training my second. Sounds like a lovely place, and I still managed some excitement for that incredible roast!! #bigpinklink

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sorry I passed on my pain to you 😂😂 it was so cringey, honestly I was dying inside when the Wee happened..
      The restaurant was incredible- which made me feel worse! 🙈 xx

      Like

  2. Oh my goodness you poor things!!!! My son once dribble poo juice from his nappy all over some of my family in a restaurant…they kept passing him round for a cuddle not realising he was leaving a trail of brown, smelly poo juice behind. It was both mortifying and hilarious. We joked that they were in the ‘poo club’ – if you hadn’t been shit on, you were nobody! Great post, had me laughing and remembering those stressful days! Tor #fartglitter

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Poo juice!! Oh my god! That is horrendous. Well I guess at least we have these stories to look back and laugh at… In time! Xxx

      Like

  3. Oh no…I felt the pain of every scream! We did have a couple of disastrous restaurant meals before and I usually end up letting the kids play with the salt and pepper shakers or hope I can finish a meal in 5 minutes. It’s enough to make you feel as if you should stay home for the next 6 months. Thanks for sharing with #bigpinklink

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I feel your pain sista! Oh yes, we have had those hellish meals in restaurants and the shame and humilation is always crippling (my daughter has a scream that could shatter glass, I am not even kidding). Console yourself with the fact that like you most people have been in that situation and if they haven’t felt those lows then they can never feel the parenting highs! So really you are a winner! #marvmondays

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Such an honest post. All parents would feel you pain! Sometimes the gods of restauranting with small people really do like to take the ‘piddle’. We still have some raucous moments with a 6 and 9 year old! #fartglitter

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh my goodness, I feel mortified for you and am giggling at the same time. My hubby and I are always off the hook since we don’t have children ourselves but do have nephews, nieces and godchildren from the ages of 13 (who still manage to throw tantrums!) down to 1 so when we’re in charge for weekends I’m always slightly on tenterhooks. I’m sure you’ll back to review and the restaurant sounds ace X #MarvMondays

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am under no illusion that tantrums with fade away… They might just be easier to bride!! Oh god…
      Fingers crossed we are invited to darken a restaurant doorway again xx

      Like

  7. Oh hun it’s always the nicest places eh but you have everyright to go out…kids or Not. That wee thing…omg! Yep I would have died. They just pick their moments eh? Bless. I’m sure your next meal will be a dream to make up for this one xx #fartglitter

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Literally they pick the best moments!! She had a nappy on, it was just saturated and overflowed!! Huge bad Muma point right there… Xxx

      Like

  8. Oh no! Such a shame as I’m salivating at your food descriptions. Very impressed with the waitress. I waitressed for almost 10 years and can safely say I’d have pretended not to notice that. We’ve gotten really good at bolting food down and the nice, relaxed meal outing is always tainted by me tapping my foot and clock watching knowing every minute waiting could be the one in which my toddler goes feral. Here’s hoping you’re next outing is a little less eventful 🙂

    #fartglitter

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The food was out of this world!
      And yes the waitress was so lovely I wanted to be her friend…😍
      It made me feel worse!! Xx

      Like

  9. Ouch. Ouch. And OUCH!!! Restaurants with toddlers are scary affairs; let alone a fancy one which you are reviewing. I feel your pain:( But if it helps, this ‘incident’ will soon be forgotten (just like that first huge supermarket meltdown every mum has experienced!!!). For now, here’s a tight hug!!!
    #FartGlitter

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Oh no sounds like a very hectic lunch. I try not to take the kids anywhere other than the local pub, ‘spoons or table table. We leave the posh stuff to date nights. If we have to go to nice places my bag is stuffed with books, crayons, notepads and cars to keep them occupied but sometimes there is no hope. Maybe next time will fair better for you #marvmondays

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I am so sorry but this had me laughing out loud, which I feel awful about because I can feel your pain. Mine is only 12 months but still makes meal times quite interesting, I can picture in a few months that it’ll gr more so!! On Sunday we went to a friends house for dinner and his teething nappy leaked poop everywhere, thank goodness she is a nurse so didn’t care. Her husband went a bit green!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. We made the mistake of taking our nine month old back to our favourite pre-baby bistro. The staff welcomingly accommodated the buggy which meant we had to take one of their biggest tables in the middle of the room. We kept her occupied with bits of bread for a while but the wait for the main course was just too much for her and I had to go and breastfeed her downstairs to calm her down while my food went cold, as I just felt so guilty for all the people whose lunch we were ruining. Then as we were leaving the old man next to us gestured to his adult daughter sitting opposite him and said, “Don’t worry, they grow up into this, but we were all like that once.” That made me feel better. But we won’t take her back. #fartglitter

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Oh yes, this sounds familiar. So typical when you’ve built something up to be a special occasion and can’t actually enjoy it. Or when you eat your food so fast it gives you heartburn, and you can’t even be bothered to finish your glass of wine (I know, right!). Thanks for linking #ToddlerStories

    Liked by 1 person

  14. My word. I was laughing out loud at this. I have 3 year old twins and we can’t go anywhere near a restaurant because it is a nightmare. You always think it’s just your kids who behave like this, especially when the old cronies start looking over and muttering! They say it gets better and it does. I’ve got a ten year old too and she is a dream to take out for lunch. Hang on in there…

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Oh you poor thing! It’s just always so hard to tell whether you’re going to have a good day or a bad day and it’s usually a bad day when you need a good day most. Thanks for linking up to #MarvMondays. Kaye xo

    Liked by 1 person

  16. How do they know? I mean who tells our darling offspring that the food we are about to be served is quite possibly going to be the most delicious thing we have ever had the pleasure to taste, and therefore this must obviously be the time to bring out the batsh#t crazy big guns?? It never happens when you’re guzzling down mcnuggets does it? The last time it happened to us we were in Frankie and Benny’s for breakfast (For me – this is as classy as it gets with my two). I was served the most amazing savoury breakfast waffle concoction that sounded hideous but looked and tasted amazing!! For a whole 2 bites anyway. Then The Toddler Beast emerged and went nuts, flailing about like a wild crocodile and screeching for a balloon, some stickers, a unicorn blah blah. I feel your pain. Sending cake xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I honestly don’t know where the secret radar is activated from: but they know. They are stealth for sure. Demolition mode turns up to full… I just took ours to a crappy chippy while we are having a few days in Blackpool. Guess what: they were good as fucking gold. Xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  17. After driving for hours from home to our holiday spot we stopped at a mid grade restaurant for some overdue lunch. Daughter number 2 of 3 decided it was the perfect time to barf her over-snacking from one end of the aisle to the other so as to be sure ALL in attendance got their fair share. Now its a funny story. Not then though,lol!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh my god what a total nightmare!!! That’s Terrible! They really know how to pull a fast one on is don’t they. CRINGE XXX

      Like

  18. Oh. No. You poor thing! That must have been really tricky, especially when doing a review. Double ekk! Now of course I know exactly how you feel… we learnt this as soon as Little Button was 1. if she didn’t like a place, everyone knew about it. She would scream and thrash about like an up turned beetle. As soon as you took her out of the restaurant, she would stop crying instantly. Not a restaurant, but in a shop, she had a huge melt down… throw in a load of tut tuts by passing people and I burst into big embarrassing sobby tears. She grew out of it very quickly thank goodness. Thank you for linking up to the #dreamteam

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh god why do our kids insist on embarrassing is!! I once had to carry out my toddler under my arm like a nursery rhyme character carrying a pig!! It was of course in the middle of a garden centre FULL of OAP judgmental whatsits. Double goodie! Xxxx

      Like

  19. I soooo feel your pain. Public meltdowns are never fun. My youngest is a thrower. Always makes in interesting going out for a meal :/ Hope you have recovered from the trauma. I cried in public twice last week due to kids meltdowns! Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics

    Like

  20. Oh no I do feel for you! This has happened to us so many times. Every time it is like walking through hell but for some reason we always attempt a trip to a restaurant again. One time our son danced on the table and screamed bloody murder every time we tried to coax him down. Then our daughter threw up all over the floor, our son wanted milk when we didn’t have it but he wouldn’t drink the milk that the waitress kindly brought over and once we left our table looked like it was somewhere things went to die. Awful. It’s a right of passage for all parents and I hated the family next to us whose children were sitting quietly on their ipads. We don’t even have an ipad! Just a nightmare but it’s character building right?

    Like

    1. Oh that sounds DREADFUL!! sick in the floor! Oh dear God.
      We have our next review on Sunday- I’m really hoping that it goes better than the last one. Holding.breath. Xx

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s