My sister rang me today.
She rang during witching hour.
I shouldnt have answered, I should have known better. But I momentarily forgot that I am an owner of 2 batshit crazy anti-humans come 6pm.
I thought I might share with you a snippet of the transcript from that call.
Me: *hurried voice* “Hello, hello”
Sister, “Oh hello dearest, how are you?”
Me, “Terrible, we’ve had The Nits. Darcie stop chasing her, you are NOT hunting.”
Sister, *laughs* “Is this a bad time?”
Darcie, “Mummy Mummy Mummy Mummy Mummy Mummy”
Me, “God no, well yes. But there hasn’t been a good time in 5 years. Girls up the stairs now… go. Hang on. No, not you, you go up the stairs, keep going. All the way. Right, tell me about your promotion, I’m dying to hear.”
Sister, *hesitant* “Okaaaay, if you’re sure?”
Me, “I’m sure, quick. Tell me. Wow you did it in the potty! That’s amazing!
Me, “Sorry, Lila wee’d in the potty. We haven’t been promoting the potty at all! Well done. Yey. Mummy loves you. What a clever girl.”
Me to my sister – “It’s an effing miracle.”
Darcie, “what’s effing?”
Me, “oh shit”
*Holds phone between shoulder and ear, takes potty full of wee and disposes*
Sister, “Are you sure I shouldn’t call you back?”
Me, “No, tell me, tell me about the promotion now… Girls get into this bath”
Sister, “It was so unexpected, I’m now a Senior…”
Me, “Stop the screaming, give her back her Guitar now. No? Not a guitar? Ummm (tries to pacify blood curdling screams, AND decipher a 2 yr olds diction) guitar… guitar… Car? CAR! Ok, give her back her car. It’s her car and she wants it now Darcie.”
Lila, “My pecial Gui-tar” (She has never seen this car before. Possible kinder toy reject from 1999 or shameful cracker ‘gift’, suddenly this pint sized piece of plastic crap gets the promotion of its life to Favourite-Toy status.)
Lila, “I hate you Dar”
*Dar sobs, not quietly.*
Sister, “Is X still in the hospital? Is everything resolved with the school-run police situation? Have the nits gone?”
Me, *Gulps wine* “Yes, yes and yes. I’m going to have to call you back before one of them drowns.”
Lila “Ha ha ha me do a poo poo”
Me, *head in hands*
This is actually my life. This perfectly sums up my life right now.
No swanky job for me. I am a toilet attendant, who specialises in high level negotiations. Occasionally I am promoted to launderette owner and chef, but let’s not get too carried away.
*Mutters, “I hate my life”*
*Realises I don’t hate my life. Feel instantly guilty for uttering those words*
*Turns on some calming music.*
“Mum, mum, MUM, what’s a Gansgta’s Paradise?”