Witching hour: The Script

My sister rang me today.

She rang during witching hour.

I shouldnt have answered, I should have known better. But I momentarily forgot that I am an owner of 2 batshit crazy anti-humans come 6pm.

I thought I might share with you a snippet of the transcript from that call.

Me: *hurried voice* “Hello, hello”

Sister, “Oh hello dearest, how are you?”

Me, “Terrible, we’ve had The Nits. Darcie stop chasing her, you are NOT hunting.”

Sister, *laughs* “Is this a bad time?”

Darcie, “Mummy Mummy Mummy Mummy Mummy Mummy”

Me, “God no, well yes. But there hasn’t been a good time in 5 years. Girls up the stairs now… go. Hang on. No, not you, you go up the stairs, keep going. All the way. Right, tell me about your promotion, I’m dying to hear.”

Sister, *hesitant* “Okaaaay, if you’re sure?”

Me, “I’m sure, quick. Tell me. Wow you did it in the potty! That’s amazing!

Sister “What?”

Me, “Sorry, Lila wee’d in the potty. We haven’t been promoting the potty at all! Well done. Yey. Mummy loves you. What a clever girl.”

Me to my sister – “It’s an effing miracle.”

Darcie, “what’s effing?”

Me, “oh shit”

*Holds phone between shoulder and ear, takes potty full of wee and disposes*

Sister, “Are you sure I shouldn’t call you back?”

Me, “No, tell me, tell me about the promotion now… Girls get into this bath”

Sister, “It was so unexpected, I’m now a Senior…”

*Deafening screams*

Me, “Stop the screaming, give her back her Guitar now. No? Not a guitar? Ummm (tries to pacify blood curdling screams, AND decipher a 2 yr olds diction) guitar… guitar… Car? CAR! Ok, give her back her car. It’s her car and she wants it now Darcie.”

Lila, “My pecial Gui-tar” (She has never seen this car before. Possible kinder toy reject from 1999 or shameful cracker ‘gift’, suddenly this pint sized piece of plastic crap gets the promotion of its life to Favourite-Toy status.)

Lila, “I hate you Dar”

*Dar sobs, not quietly.*

Sister, “Is X still in the hospital? Is everything resolved with the school-run police situation? Have the nits gone?”

Me, *Gulps wine* “Yes, yes and yes. I’m going to have to call you back before one of them drowns.”

Lila “Ha ha ha me do a poo poo”

Me, *head in hands*

This is actually my life. This perfectly sums up my life right now.

No swanky job for me. I am a toilet attendant, who specialises in high level negotiations. Occasionally I am promoted to launderette owner and chef, but let’s not get too carried away.

*Mutters, “I hate my life”*

*Realises I don’t hate my life. Feel instantly guilty for uttering those words*

*Turns on some calming music.*

“Mum, mum, MUM, what’s a Gansgta’s Paradise?”

 

Mummuddlingthrough

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted by

I am a Muma to 2 little girls, aged 5 & 2. We are seaside dwellers, and I 'only work inside the house' according to my eldest. I love to share the funny side of parenting as well as boldly going where no right minded parents of toddlers would go: to restaurants. Seeking out the most child friendly joints and passing on my findings to all of you to enjoy! I'm basically blogging my way back to sanity!

18 thoughts on “Witching hour: The Script

  1. This really made me smile! I only have one little munchkin and my hour is between 6 and 7 too. Right about when I’m trying to make dinner, lunches, empty the dishwasher, feed the puppy, listen to her read, read the letters from school, open the post, prevent the puppy from messing on the floor, and nod and agree in all the right places when listening to the game she played at lunchtime with her friends! Good job we can multi task hey!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I honestly don’t know how we do it. I certainly wouldn’t cope without my Isla Negra or similar!!
      The list is endless, a Mumas work is never done xxx

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m currently having ‘Apprentice Therapy’ which works by making you grateful for not being them. And therefore more grateful for being yourself. I’m not sure that’s exactly moral, but it’s totally working right now! Xx

      Like

    1. Ah thank you hunipi! I was having an outer body experience and laughing at the entire ridiculousness of the situation at the time too!! Classic parenting xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Yes, plenty of evenings like that. sometimes I can’t believe the words that I have to utter. It is okay to have moments when we think we hate it and feel reduced to servants. They are only moments. We also have plenty when we fell filled with love and contentment. #coolmumclub

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Our witching hour lasts around 14 hours a day. So pretty much every waking hour. This transcript made me giggle out loud – it could so have happened in our house! I like to think of it as having parent tourettes. Half way through a perfectly civilized adult conversation I have been known to shriek “leave your bogies alone!!” Sending wine xx #coolmumclub

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Haha, hilarious! I feel your frustration. I can imagine this happening in my house and I only have 1. I do love when a random bit of cr*p is suddenly the ‘Best Toy In The World Ever That I Can’t Be Without Lest I Scream Until The Windows Shatter’. Fun times! Hope the wine arrived… And congrats to your sister for whatever promotion it is that she got! #CoolMumClub

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Love this and it is sooooo familiar! I always think the phone call while the kids is up is at least preservation of the golden time alone in the evening! Too honest?! 😉
    Thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub – see you in the morning for Meet the members!

    Liked by 1 person

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