ASBO Toddler does Christmas

Welcome to The Lila Show. Starring Lila: Diva extraordinaire, ASBO deserved. 

I’ll be honest here, when people have allured to the wrath of a threenager in the past I may have raised my need-to-be-did eyebrows and wallowed in self pity for the gruesome twos I was being forced to endure. Thinking that surely Toddlerhood couldn’t possibly exceed the floor licking tantrums of age 2 (which peaked at Lego land incidentally- I’m sure it was a very clean floor).

We are staring Lila’s 3rd birthday in the face and I do not feel the end is neigh with this ASBO behaviour. In fact, I fear it could just be the beginning…

It is no secret that sub-4 kids don’t do sharing. (To be honest I’m not a massive fan of sharing even now, but that’s another story.)

Lila is very blunt about this hate of sharing. It’s more than a little off putting to her friends who look blankly at me as Lila snatches whatever plastic tat they might have dared to touch, upon a rare play date.

Lila has fast worked out that she cannot snatch n grab every toy at once, evolution is still one step behind with that 3rd hand that she requires. One of her favourite solutions when facing this predicament is to select one of the 456,000 buggys we have and simply pile it all in.

She will happily wheel about shopping tills, random candles, a naked sylvanian, the odd shoe, her beloved inflatable mic, the cat… you name it. Lila will stack it high to ensure that no one else can touch this sacred stash. I like to call it her tramp trolley, I mean no disrespect, but it is bares an uncanny resemblance.

Theft is becoming a real problem in our house. Crucial items tend to go missing, often for days on end. I have now found a Grinch like cupboard in her toy kitchen which has basically got trophies from her bin raids. I discovered old milk bottles, yogurt tops, coffee pods, the crucial sellotape wheel thing, a fitbit, even the garage keys. I offered to clean this revolting collection up, and retrieve our stuff.  That didn’t go down well. Who knew it was possible to have such an attachment to junk? One girl’s trash is another girl’s stash…

The latest victim of Lila’s venomous tongue is ELFred. This has at least given Darcie the week off from hearing her sister shouting,

“Darcie is a poo and a worm, I hate you Daadaa”

It’s fair to say that ASBO-toddler has not taken kindly to this invasion of her privacy. This morning when ELFred was found straddling Lila’s train, she could take no more.

“ELFred need to go home now Mummy.”

“Bye bye ELFred, don’t forget your Hat”

– Oh yes, don’t let him forget that, it cost more than mine!

My annoyance has reached boiling point. There are a whole bunch of parents out there that hate the elf, who don’t have the time or inclination to deal with elf-shit. But their little treasures love Chippy, dingbat and Zaton so much that they begrudgingly move him between Christmas tree branches for 24 nights.

The thing is, try as I might to loath this additional ball ache at the busiest time of the year, I don’t. I was loving this damned tradition. I love moving him about – albeit not very imaginatively, but I’m just warming up! I was just getting started! I loved those first 4 days of them discovering what Elfred had been up too. But I’ve been halted by my child, the only child that seems to hate him.

Oh the irony is not lost.

I had imagined that ELFred would have been a pretty useful bribery tool,

“Don’t spit on the carpet, Elf is always watching”…

“But he’s in the Woooooooooownge Muma!” Followed by deafening cries.

Well that went down like a shit sandwich. I did not see those screams of protest coming: Rookie, rookie, Mistake.

“No, no he’s not watching you all of the time, he just watches you in a nice way… ”

I don’t think I was helping. And to be fair it did all sound a bit pervy.

So Elfred is in the fireplace, with a farewell card – at least she remembered her manners.

Here is the conundrum: If I send ELFred away, Darcie shall be devastated. If he stays, Lila will be terrified.

You know what, sod you elf. You have just succeeded in turning your No.1 (and quite possible ONLY) adult fan against you.


Lila has just given me the perfect ending for this post. She has just returned from  bossing the nursery room. Actually she looked quite sweet as she snuggled up to her bunny on the sofa just now. I began to feel bad that I was mid sentence on a post that brands her a total A-hole. Then she took something from her pocket…

She looked at me with her devilish eyes but at least had the good grace to add a nervous giggle. She’s only gone and stolen baby Jesus from the nursery nativity scene.

I rest my case.

Is anyone else living under the duress of a crazed ASBO-deserving nearly threenager?!





15 thoughts on “ASBO Toddler does Christmas

  1. Oh wow this post had me wetting myself , your blogs never fail to make me cry with pure “OH YES IM NOT ALONE ” can’t wait for the up date on mr ELFRED 😂😂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh blimey! Glad I’m not alone either then!! Where do these tots get such attitude from? (not looking in mirror!) xx


  2. haha it’s just the start! Wait for it! Then they turn into teens without you seeing it and you will miss these days of innocence! xx #coolmumclub


  3. Tramp trolley – you describe it perfectly! Oh this is such a brilliant brilliant post I feel I know you and your children so well! In all fairness I’m surprised that there haven’t been more kids a little freaked out by the watching elf! Love the way you write, love the stories, love your honesty – just fab! #CoolMumClub

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wowser what a blooming lovely comment to read on a miserable Thursday school run!! Thank you so much! I’ll keep the stories coming: she’s good for material.. xxx


  4. CRYING with laughter at the ending! She is going to be a total handful when she’s a teenager! Lets our 4 girls and us go out for cocktails one day about 16 years from now…has to happen!
    Thanks for linking to #coolmumclub – and don’t worry, Jesus forgives (Thank God)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well, when I check her pockets at bedtime last night, who might I find: Joseph!!!!

      Back to nursery they go tomorrow… Ffs!

      My god the teenage years, I can’t even get my head around the threeanger ur yet!! Haha xxxx


      1. I think our two ASBOs would get on like a house on fire – yesterday I overheard the hubs saying ‘what’s that in your mouth? spit it out’…as a tiny ornament of Jesus got gobbed onto the floor covered in drool. Cute 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Pahahaha! They love Jesus! I had to make Lila was gagging the other day and I made her spit it it: t’was a plastic gold medallion. I shit you not. I’m living with Vicky pollard.


  5. Just when I think that a Friday this close to Christmas couldn’t get any better – I read this! I’m sorry – but you are flippin hilarious. I shall be chuckling at “floor licking” for the rest of the day. Thank you! 😘 x #coolmumclub

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You have just made me smile- which is a miracle seeing as I’ve just pulled up at the Mall!! Haha! Wish me luck, I have 2 hours before nursery pick up. Challenge Muma is underway! Xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  6. This is such a brilliant post!! I was beginning to think I was the only one with an ASBO toddler! *phew* lol… the best post I’ve read today, thank you! PS my little boy steals the dinosaurs from nursery but I’ve seen him eyeing up baby Jesus today too… God, I hope I don’t find him in his pockets later this afternoon haha! xx #coolmumclub

    Liked by 1 person

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