Top of the Tw*ts 2016

With all of the Christmas razamataz currently taking over the world as we know it, I often forget that this festiveness also marks the end of another year.

Without boring you to tears as I unpick and over share the deets of my 2016 with you, I thought I would sign off with an awards ceremony instead.

So ,without further ado, I bring you:

Top of the Twats 2016; Honouring those people who have royally ticked me off this year. Congratulations to all!

1) Toddlerless parking criminals using TODDLER parking spaces. This one has always got my goat. These spaces are for Toddlers and babies who have fuck-off awkward car seats that require elbows and arses to be in line with the seats in order to tie down the little treasures.

To clarify: These are not for kids that can do up their own seat belt and can happily hop in and out of the car unaided. They are not for car loads of kids who are waiting in the car with Daddy whilst Mummy trots off to do the weekly shop. Having empty  car seats present does not give you the right to enjoy a bit of extra door space. And these spaces are certainly not for lazy whatsits who have no child in sight whatsoever. Congratulations. These perpetrators are officially Top of the Twats… And yes I shall continue to ask “where’s your toddler” *mutters ‘you twat’* , each time I spy these Todlerless parking criminals.

2) Biff & Chip. This pair of, you guessed it: twats, have taken up half an hour of my life everyday this year with their ‘adventures’. That equates to around 180 hours of my life that I will never.get.back.

Nail biters have included: Floppy the fuckwit stealing a sandwich. S-c-a-n-d-a-l-o-u-s. An entire book written about a jumble sale sort out. The entire family attempting to pull out a tree stump with nothing more than a piece of rope. And lastly, some advice for the kids; if your Mum should loose her hat please do not go chasing after it through a muddy park and across roads like those birdbrains Biff and Chip. It was a hideous hat and the wind was doing her a favour.

3) Hostiles. I have had the displeasure of unearthing a hostile this year. This person has always been lying in wait for the opportunity to pounce on a comment or a situation purely to be difficult, attention seeking at its worst. Once identifyed, hostiles need to be weeded out and put firmly on the Twats list. Avoid them like the plague. Negativity is not good for the soul and now is the perfect time to say enough is enough. Begin 2017 afresh. Nip the hostile in the bud: or at the very least, block them.

4) King Thistle. If ever there was a ‘TV personality’ to make this list, it was this useless twat. He can’t even run a bath, let alone the little kingdom. Thank god for the Wise Old Elf and Nanny Plum keeping his shit together.

5)Grace Emmanuel & all other spammers. She is not a ‘noble widow’ willing to transfer her £5,000,000 to me while she dies of cancer. She is not spear heading humanitarian aid as claimed. ‘She’ is a con artist who sends me email after email along with hundreds of other scamming ‘Nobels’. I hope to God no one ever fall for this.

6) Nigel Farage speaking at the European Parliament following Brexit. Him and his little suction union jack flag managed to piss off the entire auditorium with his “You’ve never worked a day in your lives” speech, as he seemingly gave an impromptu performance from David Brents archives. Crushingly Twatish.

7) Donald Trump. He needs no further explanation really, let’s be honest. But to me, Trump’s place on this list has been secured thanks to the absolute lack of respect he has for women – and how publicly he promotes that. Like it’s funny. The land of the free just took a giant leap into the past,  Doc Emmett Brown is surely Americas last hope. Well, that and arsenic.

8) ‘Horrid Henry’. I innocently (Stupidly) let the girls watch Horrid Henry on a loop for a few days after school. For those of you who are not familiar with HH, he is a total twat of a child. He calls his brother a worm for starters and continuously carries out Dennis the Menace style pranks on his family. ToddlerMonster took Horrid Henry to be one of her new role models. Her older sister has now been renamed ‘WORM’ and ‘I hate you’ is a pre-cursor to most statements. Horrid Henry is banned, along with Kevin McCallister. His name never to be uttered in this house again.

… Hurrah for 2016!


Thank you all so much for sticking with my waffle while I stumble through my first year as a blogger.  Your support through comments, likes and shares has been incredible this year. I absolutely love writing this blog and have some exciting plans for MOTE coming in 2017! 

 You all make being Muma a much more bearable and tolerable experience, and for that I can’t thank you enough!

Have a brilliant, messy, noisy, wine fuelled Crimbo.

But most importantly, enjoy booting your little twat of an elf back into the loft.




Posted by

I am a Muma to 2 little girls, aged 5 & 2. We are seaside dwellers, and I 'only work inside the house' according to my eldest. I love to share the funny side of parenting as well as boldly going where no right minded parents of toddlers would go: to restaurants. Seeking out the most child friendly joints and passing on my findings to all of you to enjoy! I'm basically blogging my way back to sanity!

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