When Shopping Got Ugly

One of my favourite pass times has always been glorious shopping. I mean, what could be better than ambling around the stores in search of pretty things? The rain and wind isn’t going to bother you in a mall, you get to rack up the steps AND put the world to rights with your carefully selected shopping Wing-man.

I was enjoying this strenuous activity this week with one of my dearest girlfriends, mooching around Brighton, the kids were at school and Nursery: sounds pretty dreamy so far doesnt it…

Well shut the front door, Topshop: we have a problem.

The clothes.

The accessories.

The shoes.

It was all wrong wrong wrong; I actually had to text my bestie to enquire who and what this ‘Ivy Park’ was, and why indeed would anyone team a heel with a teatime only trackie bottom?!

As we wandered deeper into retail-heaven we began to mull over the possibility that the clothes weren’t the problem: maybe it was us.

Have we now reached a stage in our lives where we are too old (lil bit of sick in my mouth) for Miss Selfridge? (I’m not sure a touch of cellulite interjected with the odd threadvein makes the best canvass for a bum-grazing pelmet?) But not quite old or rich enough for Reiss? (Oh but this fabric… That cut!)

This may sound like a very 3rd world problem to bring to your attention, BUT once you have seen some of the highly questionable fashion disasters on offer you may in fact agree that the mid-30’s are having a total retail-crisis.

To demonstrate my point I have selected a few items for you to consider.

Behold: the laced jean

For £49 you too could own this denim peep-show. The handy laces would at least give you the option to let it all hang out after scoffing that 2nd helping of the kid’s Mac n Cheese. That’s if your helpful munchkins didn’t get there first of course. Before you know it you’ll be streaking through Pizza Express. Something to look forward to.

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The casual ‘off the shoulder’ number.

Now this one may seem harmless enough: but don’t be fooled.

My thoughts are thus: How are you supposed to pop on a cardie with this off the shoulder number as you push your Treasure on the swing for the 33rd minute? And while we are at the swings, the bloody thing would ride up with each push! I must stress too, the repercussions of picking up your darling toddler with this on: It’s indecent exposure in-waiting.

I’m all for a capped sleeve and a baggy body, but literally every top this season is off the sodding shoulder. Topshop, Zara, New Look: we don’t live in Barbados – we need to be able to pop on a knit! Think Retailistas, think…

Topshop2
The gingham and poppy floral peep-toe mule heel thing.

“Well you wouldn’t get many wares out of these would you,” was my actual first thought. I do like poppies (in a field) and I do have a soft spot for gingham I suppose (on a tablecloth that’s covered in cakes. Or on my daughter’s school dress.) But who in their right mind Mrs New Look, dreamt up this confused pair?!

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Metallic Camel hoof leggings

I don’t need to remind you about what happened to poor old Ross now do I? Unless you carry around a bottle of talc in your bag (which if you have a baby maybe you actually do!) It would be pointless buying these puppies. I’m pretty sure there would be a little tune to the chafage here that might sound a lot like you are about to soil yourself.

Maybe these camel inspired leggings are designed purely for you to stand still with your legs a-kimbo, as demonstrated by this poor girl…
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Fluffy sh*t

Let me leave you with a lovely fluffy thought: The high street has given us bag pillows – or as I like to call it ‘The Billow’.

Behold the perfect parenting assessory. The Billow is really what all mothers need in their lives. They do say ‘baby sleeps, you sleep’. Now it won’t matter if baby takes a snooze in the park, on the bus or at the doctors, because guess what: just take off your fluffy Billow, and cosy up on the bench. I do like things that have more than one use.

That was the thinking behind this precious looking Pillow Bag wasn’t it Topshop? Please.Tell.Me.It.Was.

                                                                               Look how happy Topshop has made her!

Also available in footware: 

I’m sorry, I couldn’t stop!

So there we have it, the current high street edit. It’s not looking too promising out there right now, and this makes me sad.

Where is a 30-something supposed to shop? Don’t say M&S, and bog off Hotters. I DON’T BELONG ANYMORE!!

And on that note I’m off to the farm shop for some cakes veg. Shame I didn’t buy those adjusticable lace ups

Island Living 365

Posted by

I am a Muma to 2 little girls, aged 5 & 2. We are seaside dwellers, and I 'only work inside the house' according to my eldest. I love to share the funny side of parenting as well as boldly going where no right minded parents of toddlers would go: to restaurants. Seeking out the most child friendly joints and passing on my findings to all of you to enjoy! I'm basically blogging my way back to sanity!

8 thoughts on “When Shopping Got Ugly

  1. I admire your bravery! As a bigger girl, I swore off shopping when skinny jeans became the norm. Now I do still enjoy, but it’s always with 5 kids tagging along, and it’s usually some sort of baby store or book shop. Oh my, how the times do change!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Haha I love this. I am totally feeling this crisis. Life is hard eh?! I have invested (although there wasn’t much investing going on) in an off the shoulder top. I know just as I knew when I brought it it would be awash with impracticalities but peer pressure and wanting to keep en trend got the better of me. I’ll never learn. Also I totally remember having fluffy Bach circa 98!

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  3. Oh yes I hear you! Now I love Joules don’t get me wrong but it would be nice not to have every single item of clothing from the same damn shop!! Didn’t Bewitched wear lace up jeans in the 90s? And just how practical are fluffy flip flops when you are going in and out of the pool for the 20th time with your 7 year old?? There is a definite age gap on the high street for sure, online is different but i like to try things on before I buy then just to check I look like the size 8 model with her hair flowing and flawless skin that is showing me how to wear it!!

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  4. Can you imagine how filthy a fluffy bag would get with little mitts around. It wouldn’t last 5 minutes! I am seeing things come back into fashion that I wore when I was younger and that makes me feel OLD. Apparently the nineties are now retro. SHUT UP!!! Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics

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  5. I feel your pain. I literally don’t know where to shop nowadays. Hate M&S with a passion but can’t wear fluffy shit from Top Shop. Although, perhaps I do need to give it a go again because she does look happy! #FridayFrolics

    Like

  6. Last time I went into Topshop – without the Tubblet – I was half expecting to tapped on the shoulder and asked to leave as I am way too old to be in there on my own and probably too large for most of the clothes. I shop in Fatface, John Lewis, Seasalt etc.

    There’s been some horrible stories in the press about those shoes not being made of manmade fibres like they claimed 😦 It’s made me really wary of fluffy things

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  7. I have also been wondering what shops I am supposed to be in these days! Good job I never get to shop for myself anymore anyway as I have yet to figure it out! Thanks so much for joining us for #FridayFrolics

    Liked by 1 person

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