I’m sorry, but I no longer feel defiant.

As our country begins to piece itself back together after yet another terrifying and devastating act of terrorism, I have been watching the familiar pattern of defiance emerge. Candid quotes that love will conquer appear all over facebook, vigils take place, and the PM always, always, holds a COBRA meeting at 9am the following day.

In the past, when terrorists have struck around the globe I have read and  listened to Bloggers, Journalists and celebrities vow to live life to the fullest, refusing to let this rancid disease dictate how or where they live their lives. I have always fist pumped along with the best of them, not giving my next trip to the cinema, bar or concert a second thought.

But this time is different.

And this isn’t something I am proud to admit.

This time, this time has truly frightened me.

Manchester is too soon after Westminster, too soon after Brussels, too soon after Stockholm, too soon after Paris.

This time I am letting these horrific events make a difference to how we live our life as a family.

I know I should be strong, and should be shouting defiance along with the best of them from the rooftops, but this has scared me. It’s scared me most because I am a Muma and it is my job and instinct to protect my babies.  Despite my best efforts, these monsters are making me question that protection, and think again about how we lead our lives for the foreseeable future.

Crowded places will make me feel unsafe now: if somewhere as iconic and presumably hot on security as Manchester arena – the largest of it’s kind in the UK can be attacked, what hope do festivals, theme parks, cinemas, shopping centres… the list is endless, have?

For the first time ever I thanked God that we live in a tiny town that no one has ever heard of and bares absolutely no relevance culturally or politically to anyone. It feels safe here, and I feel like I can protect our young girls who are only 3 and 6 in this little piece of ‘nowhere’.

It makes me angry to think that when we plan our summer holiday trips this year my first thoughts will be ‘What is the terror threat level?’ and ‘Will it be safe?’

I can’t help it, I am just being honest.

We are due to go to Funk The Family festival in Hove Park in June. It sounds like a brilliant day, our kids would LOVE it. I’m even running a competition for tickets! But I don’t know if I can go.

I know I’ll be scanning the crowds, questioning anything that seems a little ‘off’, basically acting like a paranoid loonie.

With the terror threat level raised to critical  (I’m not entirely sure what this actually means- but it doesn’t sounds great does it?!) I just dont think I can put my girls into a potentially risky situation, if I have the choice. 

Don’t get me wrong, I am under no illusion that I can shield my babies from these monsters forever, their attacks are so random who knows what is around the corner. But at this very moment all I can think is that I must try, as best as I can, to avoid putting them in harms way. And yes, for us, that does mean avoiding crowded places for a while.

How on earth are we going to tackle this Terrorist Cancer? It keeps on spreading and growing. Neither have a cure, and all I can think is, ‘Where’s next’. 

9 thoughts on “I’m sorry, but I no longer feel defiant.

  1. I get everything you write here. and I feel exactly the same. why risk it? Whenever these awful things happen, we all say we are strong and we wont be beaten but the thought of planning a wknd to London or anywhere right now just isn’t worth it in my opinion. and yes I know they’ve technically “won” but I don’t bloody care. we have so many lovely summer things coming up where I live and in Bristol but I’d rather spend the afternoon in my back garden.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Does anyone​ feel like we need vigalanties doing what should be done,as the politicians and police don’t seem to have the upper hand in Britain any more.
      It has worked with pedophiles and perverts,why not immigrants, Muslims etc. Just to get the message across that Britain’s not going to put up with having our innocent children put through hell BECOUSE OF a RELIGION that doesn’t exist,and political VIEW’S that they are too young too understand.


  2. I live in the West too but I went to the Chelsea Flower Show yesterday. I won’t let this stop me enjoying my life! If you do let this stop you, you are letting the scum that did this get to you. Obviously, I will be careful with my children but the parents of those children at the concert didn’t think this would happen. Life is worth it! Living your life in a shadow of terroism is no way to live. Take care. X

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I totally, totally understand what you’re feeling. As mothers, this attack on children feels like the lowest blow. It hurts us in a way not even 9/11 did. I’m not going to tell you not to worry. Mothers always worry. Nor am I going to quote the statistics; I know facts aren’t going to beat this primal fear.

    What I will say is that I hope the worst of it passes, not today or tomorrow, but soon and that you can enjoy yourself again.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I totally get this because it’s how I feel they want us to be frightened and we are, you have inspired me to write down my feelings great post

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I totally get this. The attack felt far too close to home to me. I’ve taken my own children to countless concerts there over the years. My daughter was there just two days earlier in fact. There were children from both our local primary and secondary school at the concert who thankfully were not hurt but my son was friends with one of the poor girls who was killed. It’s all so tragic and difficult to make any sense of. I want to hold my own children tight and never let them out of my sight.

    Liked by 1 person

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