I’m not really a ‘gym’ person. I realised this when I once paid £500 for an introductory half hour session, a long time ago. Enthusiastically, pre-children I signed up to the gym right below our office one January along with all of the other girls from work. A sort of group new years resolution. ‘We could spin during lunch’ we hailed, ‘we could swim after work’ we cried. Some even went as far as to chip in with ‘we could do Body Pump BEFORE work’. At the time I didn’t like to pipe up with the fact that I thought we had all gone RAVING MAD! We already worked long hours in a thankless sales office, frankly the thought of doing anything other than eating my meal deal during lunch time blew my mind. Let alone the prospect of waking extra early to ‘pump bodies’ (whatever that meant!) And when work finished, that was it I was outta there and into the bar next door to moan probably about being fat and unfit amongst other things.
So having signed up and set up the monthly payments I skipped along to my induction. Never to return to the gym again!!! But they tie you in, you cannot, to quote Friends ‘QUIT THE GYM’ they don’t let you. In my case the Gods took pity and the place burnt down! No joke..
I digress. So, Soft Play AKA Muma-Gym.
I have never quite experienced physical exertion like I did during one particular visit to a well known Soft Play centre. Lila was 6 months old and Darcie had just turned 3. My greatest error was to have innocently assumed that going it alone with the two of them and no little chums to play with Darcie was a good idea. I spent the next 2 hours crawling, jumping, climbing up, climbing down, lifting Darcie over, dragging her under the brightly coloured ‘FUN’ jungle. All the while dressed like a marsupial, wearing Lila! EXHUSTED, why don’t they sell wine in the café?! Gap in the market there.
8 months on and the girls are a little older, obviously. But this has meant they are stronger, faster and braver. If I thought climbing through tunnels, up sheer drops, down loopy slides (which test your pelvic floor, I might add) was tiring enough, it has nothing on trying to keep eyes on two children literally running, amongst other children running, amongst throngs of Mumas sipping MASSIVE mugs of caffeine, amongst the enthusiastic young YOUNG staff who frankly could do with having their own parents there to keep an eye on them.
In between the cries for refreshment – just how much juice can a 4 year old get through in one session?! Jugs upon jugs of the stuff, and the cries for yet another snack to keep those energy levels at an all time high, you have the cries all Mumas fear most: those cries that have been inflicted by your own child.
Cue sympathetic voice, and fake smiles, to poor little Johnny who Darcie pushed down the loopy slide because actually he had been sat there for about 10 minutes telling his gathering crowd of nippers that he was king of the slide. NOT.FOR.LONG. While I don’t condone pushing, fighting, snatching bla bla etc I do have to reserve my ‘serves you right Johnny’ face, and adopt the more appropriate ‘sorry my child hurt your child’ face. What I’m really thinking is, “Put your oversized caffeine fix down and teach Johnny the way of the world: starting with basic slide etiquette!”
If you can survive a soft play session without a) breaking a sweat and b) not thinking “Where the fuck are my fucking kids” you’ve done well, very well.
I come out of the ‘fun’ warehouse with ringing ears, teary over tired children, a bad back, DISGUSTING socks and an overwhelming need to wash mine and the kids hands in bleach.
But, We’ll be back next week…