One of my favourite pass times has always been glorious shopping. I mean, what could be better than ambling around the stores in search of pretty things? The rain and wind isn’t going to bother you in a mall, you get to rack up the steps AND put the world to rights with your carefully selected shopping Wing-man.
I was enjoying this strenuous activity this week with one of my dearest girlfriends, mooching around Brighton, the kids were at school and Nursery: sounds pretty dreamy so far doesnt it…
Well shut the front door, Topshop: we have a problem.
It was all wrong wrong wrong; I actually had to text my bestie to enquire who and what this ‘Ivy Park’ was, and why indeed would anyone team a heel with a teatime only trackie bottom?!
As we wandered deeper into retail-heaven we began to mull over the possibility that the clothes weren’t the problem: maybe it was us.
Have we now reached a stage in our lives where we are too old (lil bit of sick in my mouth) for Miss Selfridge? (I’m not sure a touch of cellulite interjected with the odd threadvein makes the best canvass for a bum-grazing pelmet?) But not quite old
or rich enough for Reiss? (Oh but this fabric… That cut!)
This may sound like a very 3rd world problem to bring to your attention, BUT once you have seen some of the highly questionable fashion disasters on offer you may in fact agree that the mid-30’s are having a total retail-crisis.
To demonstrate my point I have selected a few items for you to consider.
Behold: the laced jean.
For £49 you too could own this denim peep-show. The handy laces would at least give you the option to let it all hang out after scoffing that 2nd helping of the kid’s Mac n Cheese. That’s if your helpful munchkins didn’t get there first of course. Before you know it you’ll be streaking through Pizza Express. Something to look forward to.
The casual ‘off the shoulder’ number.
Now this one may seem harmless enough: but don’t be fooled.
My thoughts are thus: How are you supposed to pop on a cardie with this off the shoulder number as you push your Treasure on the swing for the 33rd minute? And while we are at the swings, the bloody thing would ride up with each push! I must stress too, the repercussions of picking up your darling toddler with this on: It’s indecent exposure in-waiting.
I’m all for a capped sleeve and a baggy body, but literally every top this season is off the sodding shoulder. Topshop, Zara, New Look: we don’t live in Barbados – we need to be able to pop on a knit! Think Retailistas, think…
The gingham and poppy floral peep-toe mule heel thing.
“Well you wouldn’t get many wares out of these would you,” was my actual first thought. I do like poppies (in a field) and I do have a soft spot for gingham I suppose (on a tablecloth that’s covered in cakes. Or on my daughter’s school dress.) But who in their right mind Mrs New Look, dreamt up this confused pair?!
Metallic Camel hoof leggings
I don’t need to remind you about what happened to poor old Ross now do I? Unless you carry around a bottle of talc in your bag (which if you have a baby maybe you actually do!) It would be pointless buying these puppies. I’m pretty sure there would be a little tune to the chafage here that might sound a lot like you are about to soil yourself.
Maybe these camel inspired leggings are designed purely for you to stand still with your legs a-kimbo, as demonstrated by this poor girl…
Let me leave you with a lovely fluffy thought: The high street has given us bag pillows – or as I like to call it ‘The Billow’.
Behold the perfect parenting assessory. The Billow is really what all mothers need in their lives. They do say ‘baby sleeps, you sleep’. Now it won’t matter if baby takes a snooze in the park, on the bus or at the doctors, because guess what: just take off your fluffy Billow, and cosy up on the bench. I do like things that have more than one use.
That was the thinking behind this precious looking Pillow Bag wasn’t it Topshop? Please.Tell.Me.It.Was.
Look how happy Topshop has made her!
Also available in footware:
I’m sorry, I couldn’t stop!
So there we have it, the current high street edit. It’s not looking too promising out there right now, and this makes me sad.
Where is a 30-something supposed to shop? Don’t say M&S, and bog off Hotters. I DON’T BELONG ANYMORE!!
And on that note I’m off to the farm shop for some cakes veg. Shame I didn’t buy those adjusticable lace ups…