20 Times my Toddler Out-Diva’d Mariah

Behind my toddlers big blue eyes and cotton wool hair lives a Diva, and I don’t use this word lightly. Occasionally Lila fools me into believing she has left the Divahood behind her and is starting a newly reformed existence.

Until I cut her toast into Triangles.

“You moronic human! I only eat triangle toast on Tuesdays. I want  my wellies on! Do I look like a pleb who eats Triangle shaped toast?! Don’t look at me! Where has my TRIANGLE toast gone too?!”

What comes out of her mouth is a protest of such high decibels that our ‘rotund’ Cavapoo  has long assumed that ToddlerMonster is his leader.

Let’s face it, Lila just can’t find the staff these days. I pander to her whims based on a battle to battle evaluation; The bottom line being how prepared I am to deal with a mini-person literally melting onto the carpet, creating a no-go radius of several feet as she kicks out in her latest protest.

I’m now fairly certain that there is a market for Toddler-Tantrums. Think about it – those political rallies, and staged sit-ins are a perfect opportunity to cash in. Throw a Toddler into the mix with the wrong shaped toast and you my friend will have the protest from hell on your hands, and decisions overthrown left right and centre.

Now we all know that Mariah has got herself a little bit of a Diva rep. From dressing room climates, red carpet requests, culinary requirements so specific they make counting calories appear positively dark aged, Mariah is without doubt the world’s No.1 Diva.

Until my Toddler came along.

Here are 20 reasons why ToddlerMonster has out Diva’d Mariah- all with splendid Hollywood style tantrums.

1) The toast thing. You got that though – loud n clear.

2) When you get photo-bombed

3) The blanket I covered her up with whilst she watched a pint sized YouTube star open their Christmas presents – for the 58th time, wasn’t quite covering her left foot.

4) The bath wasn’t filling up fast enough.

5) I offered her a custard cream with the corner missing.

6) She tried to call for extra staff from the house phone and the police turned up.

7) She wanted pink juice in the Lego cup. NOT the spider-man cup. *Tips it out and gives her  juice in updated preference of Lego cup* “I said I want the Spider-man cup”.

8) She washed her hands. And they got wet.

9) Madam wanted to use my Santaku knife during our play-doh Bake-off session.

10) I said ‘Good Morning’ before she was ready.

11) She can no longer fit into the oven part of the toy kitchen.

 12) Baby Annabel wouldn’t sing to her. No amount of explaining Baby Anabelle’s limitations made this OK.
13) Ketchup is Red not Blue. This is not acceptable – I know this from my walls.

 14) It was her sister’s birthday and not her own.

 15) Climbing the stairs is not on her agenda: ever.

 16) Finishing the packet of Percy Pigs – OK, she had a point with this one.

17) The pain au chocolat was delivered to her too hot. “I said warm Mum, WARM. Not hot and not cold” Yes, she who cannot usually string a sentence managed to make that perfectly clear.

18) The sun was in her eyes. She didn’t open them for the duration of that car journey. Her mouth however…

19) I gave her dinner.

20) Murray refused to learn her dance routine: Murray is the dog.


Over to you – can your Toddler out-diva mine? Hit me up with your tantrum tales…




Rose Tinting the Toddler Years: Make ToddlerMonsterItis work for YOU.


I seem to have been plagued by the condition ToddlerMonsterItis since my baby girl took her first wobbly steps back in November: goodbye sweet, sweet baby; Hello still reasonably sweet, but impossibly cheeky TODDLERMONSTER.

It is no secret that I am pretty negative about this socially inept phase. Those who know me have generously put up with my exasperated moans on a weekly basis: the teething, the dreadful sleep patterns, the sheer MESS everywhere- all the time (can I blame this on a burglary?!), the crying tantrums, the desire to toddle rather than ride the pram, – to name but a few.

Well as there is no sign of this phase transitioning over to the far superior Pre-schoolers realm any time soon, it is time for me to take a different approach before I sink into a deep hole of despair:

I give you my attempt at rose tinting the toddler years. Let’s take advantage of these unpredictable mood swings, the inconsolable tantrums and wayward frustrations. (-and that’s just the Mumas!)

We can use our pint sized whirlwinds to our advantage, I’m sure of it…

  • Queue Jumping

Parked on double yellow lines outside the post office at lunch time? Need to get to the front of the queue ASAP? No problem, you just need to wake your peaceful ToddlerMonster, carry them without their comforter into the overflowing post office, join the snaking queue and wait for toddlerMonster to come round. 5 or 6 seconds should do it until the blood curdling screams begin. Even the hardiest Queue-goer will take pity. You will see the Queue part like you are an emergency response vehicle.

Calmly make your way through the throngs of tutting, eyebrow raising crowds. Attempt to pacify The Noise for the sake of The Queue. If you experience resistance further down the line try suggesting to ToddlerMonster that you hope they aren’t sick AGAIN. If this doesn’t work, loudly realise the nappy has burst its banks.

You’ll be in and out that post office in minutes. No Queue for you Muma.

  • Domestic Squalor

Has a thick layer of disorganisation swept through your home on a scale you thought not possible since the NewBorn debris washed up?

Does it looks like you hosted a playgroup by lunchtime? THAT’S OK. Is the Iroining pile is half way up the wall? THAT’S OK. If darling hubster is having fish fingers for the 3rd time that week for dinner then THAT’S OK: Toys are a necessity. Ironing is hot and a bloody lethal activity around a pulling tugging tripping waddler, and cooking one handed isn’t even a round on MasterChef yet. Frankly if you manage to conjure up hot foodstuff during the Witching hour, when ToddlerMonsterItis is at its peak then you deserve a medal – or at least a glass of wine!

  • Missing an appointment
  • “I don’t recognise that number… oh they’ve left a voice mail…. Hang on a minute, VETS APPOINTMENT, BUGGER”

This is a regular occurrence for me. Trying to keep a track of appointments for myself used to be a tall order, but now I have two other people’s social diaries to add to the mix its frankly getting confusing. So missing appointments and rescheduling is becoming a regular thing for me – something which I have discovered can cushion the blow is ToddlerMonsterItis.

The basic workings of this tactic are:

  • Realise the fuck up you have made.
  • Contact via telephone to apologise & reschedule.
  • Await gritted teeth acceptance of apology, and then release the hound.
  • This is the easy bit: ToddlerMonster will see you are on the telephone. You are not therefore 100% engaging with her, this will massively piss them off. To the point where they cry: LOUDLY.
  • Cue tone change from down the phone, sympathy washes up the line: forgiveness is close.
  • Suggest your preferred rearrange date.
  • Hesitation from down the line, that date or time doesn’t suit them – but kindly voice will switch things around to make that work because “you do sound like you have your hands full”


  • Making a quick exit

We’ve all been there: suckered in to attend a YawnFest out of obligation. Side glances at your watch, contemplating the fake ‘There’s an Emergency’ friend trick for a speedy exit. Actual concern that a soggy Vol au vent could be the last thing you eat should you die of boredom here.

Fear no more; You are harbouring an unruly, unpredictable but desperately sweet looking secret weapon. ToddlerMonsterItis. Muma’s gotta do what a Muma’s gotta do. A quickie whinge because they can’t suck their toes with their shoes on can easily be elaborated on in this situation…

“We had better leave now before she gets EVEN MORE tired, and works herself up into a right state. What a shame. We were having such fun!”


Done. Thank me later. You are out of there. Windows down, radio on.


I would love this list to grow, I need more Toddler positivity in my life. I have a good couple of years before the beloved pre-school phase kicks in – share some ToddlerMonster one ups with me, please!!